Saturday, May 30, 2015

Quick Thoughts - Back Into the Swing of Things

I'm back! Well, I guess I was never really "gone," but I mean that I'm back home after attending my second ever convention. WisCon is an interesting place, and as an attendee it is just so full of amazing people and ideas that it's strange to come home and have to process all of it. Part of it went completely as expected. Meaning I am shy and so I didn't really socialize much. I went to a ton of panels and readings and bought a lot of books that I am very excited to read (mostly next year). I have to say that Guest of Honor Alaya Dawn Johnson's speech was the highlight and had me blinking back tears because wow. But it's a lot to process. And that's what I want to write about today, not about the convention itself but about the experience of coming back.

I don't want to lose the excitement, the inspiration that last weekend filled me with. Something about being around so many people who are creative and engaged is that it's rather intoxicating. The world seems to open up and so many ideas come pouring into my head and I just want to do them all. Of course, then you get home and have to go back to work and discover that all the projects that you were working on before haven't cleared themselves away and are still sitting there, staring at you. And there is the danger then of the backlash. The crushing weight of knowing that you can't do everything when and how you want it. And you have to face that so many talented people are out there writing that your own stuff can seem…juvenile? Unimportant? I'm not sure, but it arrives and it sucks.

In truth, I'm not sure really how to maintain that contact high of being in such a freeing place. For me it might mean trying to take control more of my surroundings. It might mean trying to connect more with any actual people in my area. It might mean taking time to think and ponder before pushing back to work. But it also must mean getting back to work. Writing. Remembering why it's so great and why it lives and breathes and why I need to do it. It must mean at some point pushing past and through and starting something new. Something even better. Because one thing these situations do very well is convince me there is better and that I need to be a part of it. That I need to improve, and that I have a lot of room for that improvement.

And perhaps that is the best thing about WisCon. That it reminds me of why I started writing and that it reminds that I still have a long, long road to walk if I want to do it well. Also it prompts me to think in different ways, to think outside myself, which is always useful. There's such a rich diversity of views and experiences at WisCon. I will definitely be going again. And hey, maybe next time I'll try to be on a panel or something. Which would probably get me to talk to more than like three people. But for all that it is an amazing experience it does always leave me rather drained and directionless, which is super frustrating because while there I felt so…turned on.

So I'm home. I'm home and I have to find a way for that not to seem like such a disappointment. That back here life is still okay but difficult. That the Con was amazing but that working and writing continue. I have to find a way to get back up and face what needs facing despite wanting a month off of everything but writing. Because I can see no other way around it. I just want that to be life all the time. To be engaged like that and inspired and with so many people I can feel comfortable around. Because I like my town but it's not WisCon. Hell, there's not even a serious writing group here. But maybe that, too, will change. In any event, I'm back and my mind is racing and hopefully I can manage to catch at least some of this lightning in a bottle. Thanks for reading!

All the best,\

Charles Payseur

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