LIVER BEWARE! You're in for a Drunk Review of Goosebumps #26: MY HAIRIEST ADVENTURE

Mimosas. Dear readers, my apologies. I had every intention of getting this done before the new year, but time and circumstances conspired to make that just not possible. Alas! However, the winds of fortune have indeed righted my flagging ship and powered by delicious mimosas I am ready to take the deep dive into what is one of the mind-fuckiest and tragic Goosebumps novels yet. Yes, that is something of a tall order, given some of the other books I've covered (I'm looking at you, The Ghost Next Door). But seriously, this book is strange, sinking, and fucking gutting. Shall we?

LIVER BEWARE! You're in for a Drunk Review of Goosebumps #25: ATTACK OF THE MUTANT

Sometimes, you read a book that you loved as a kid and you're like "yeah, that holds up pretty well." Maybe it's rough around the edges, and maybe there are some things you missed the first time through because you were like twelve. But you reread it and you don't hate yourself for being that little kid whole genuinely loved this book that you've now returned to. Readers, Attack of the Mutant is not that book. And I did genuinely love this one when I was little. It's the first time I remember refusing to go to bed until I had finished the story. And...okay, this might be a bumpy ride.

First, though, the booze (I'm going to need A LOT). I'm drinking a Vanilla Wafer Porter from Mob Craft Beer, which comes as a full pint and is delicious and does not disappoint, quite unlike this book. So yeah, let's dive right in!

LIVER BEWARE! You're in for a Drunk Review of Goosebumps #24: PHANTOM OF THE AUDITORIUM

Okay, so I admit I always wanted to get into theater, but I guess was never really good enough. Or maybe by the time I would have gotten into it, I was in sports and things instead, and it didn’t seem open to me. Or maybe I avoided it on some unconscious level because it’s not exactly...the...straightest of things. And maybe I just steered clear because I didn’t want to get into that. I’m kinda messed up. But anyway, that is all to say that this book hits me right in the drama geek feels, and I just can’t wait. Y’all, I can’t wait!

Oh, I should say that I’m drinking from the Dogfish Head summer variety pack (which is super cheap right now and full of things like a coconut IPA which is weird but good). So right, drinks are lined up. Let’s get to this book!

LIVER BEWARE! You're in for a Drunk Review of Goosebumps #23: RETURN OF THE MUMMY

So what actually earns a Goosebumps sequel? This book marks the second return visit in the series (the first being Monster Blood), and as with that...uh...shining example, I'm not really sure what merited a return to this particular set of characters. Mummies are classic? Or...uh... Well, what's certain is that this book is a waaaaay better sequel than Monster Blood II. Not that giant hamsters aren't awesome, but that this book at least stays consistent with itself and the world it introduced in the first book. Gabe still gets lost way too easily. Uncle Ben still shouldn't be allowed to supervise children. And Sari is still quick to make Gabe look like an ass.

But first, some booze! I'm actually drinking a strange milkshake IPA, which has lactose in it, I guess? Look, I'm not here so you can judge my drinking decisions (and besides, it's really good). Thusly fortified against the descent into madness that this is sure to be, let's get right to it!

LIVER BEWARE! You're in for a Drunk Review of Goosebumps #22: GHOST BEACH

Right, so, ghosts. The Goosebumps series has already featured a number of ghost stories so far, including the very first installment, Welcome to Dead House (though let's not forget Piano Lessons Can Be Murder, too). This book dives back into the idea but with a very key twist. It takes place...on a beach! A GHOST BEACH! Get it? Haha—kill me now...

Anyway, to celebrate this incredibly clever idea, I'm drinking. As much as possible. To stay on theme, I'm having some Ghost Ship, a white IPA from Capital Brewing (based out of Madison, WI). It certainly fits the theme and hey, it's booze, so it makes everything just a little bit easier. That out of the way, let's dive right in!

LIVER BEWARE! You're in for a Drunk Review of Goosebumps #21: GO EAT WORMS

Hey, a new Goosebumps that has an exclamation mark in the title! For a while, I thought this might be code for the stories dealing with science and magic merging in some weird ways (beginning with the first example, Say Cheese, and Die! However, given that You Can’t Scare Me! really wasn’t about science (though it was awesome) and this book also really isn’t about science (not...really), I’m going to have to revise my theory. Maybe it’s this: if the title has an exclamation point, I’m going to hate the main character. Because yeah, Todd, this books “protagonist,” is literally the worst. Just...awful. To the point that I suspect this book is actually a sort of psychological test of utter brilliance. What it asks is simple: will we condone mental and emotional torture if the person being tortured is an asshole? Well, dearest readers, buckle up, because we’re about to find out!

LIVER BEWARE! You're in for a Drunk Review of Goosebumps #20: THE SCARECROW WALKS AT MIDNIGHT

People, this is going to require a grown up drink. Because, well, because we get into some stuff that’s fairly common in horror but that Goosebumps hasn’t as a rule gotten into so much. So I’m drinking a whole pint of German IPA from Lazy Monk Brewing, a local favorite right here in sunny Eau Claire. Because this book. Oh this book. I guess let’s begin...

LIVER BEWARE! You’re in for a Drunk Review of Goosebumps #19: DEEP TROUBLE

So if you measured my slow descent into madness through my reading of the Goosebumps series, this book marks a new twist in an already interesting experience. In some ways it reminds me of The Girl Who Cried Monster in the way that it takes its speculative core and doesn’t even bother pretending that it isn’t real. But unlike that read, which was very much about the horror of not being believed, of something terrible hiding in plain sight, this book...well...huh. I’m not sure I’d call it a horror at all, despite the cover, which really brings to mind all the terror evoked by the sea and other deep waters. It’s actually about...uh...mermaids. And sweet Christmas, where’s my drink?

Oh right, drinking. So I recently came across a brand of seltzer that had names I could not resist. And one of them is Mermaid Songs. Which is...weird. Like, I’m not sure if mermaids are known for their songs, but whatever. Given that this book is similarly weird, though, I figured slapping some gin into the mix would make for an appropriate fuel for this review. So yeah, let’s get started!

LIVER BEWARE! You're in for a Drunk Review of Goosebumps #18: MONSTER BLOOD II

It's a first that I'm exploring this month for Goosebumps. No, no, I'm not doing this sober, don't get too excited. No, I mean that this book represents the first actual sequel that the series has thrown up. As we go, this will happen more and more, as popular individual books become series. In fact, Monster Blood has four different books in the original run of Goosebumps, which makes it one of the most popular ideas to explore. Luckily for me, I've got a growler full of Chocolate Shake Porter from Boulder Beer, so that might make this experience a little easier to handle. Ready? Let's go!

LIVER BEWARE! You're in for a Drunk Reviews of Goosebumps #17: WHY I'M AFRAID OF BEES

Readers, I’m not entirely sure what to tell you about this book. I feel like we’ve left normalcy so far behind that the concept of normal has lost all usefulness or meaning when talking about this series. To compensate, I’m drinking the appropriately-paired Imperial IPA with Wild Honey from 3 Sheeps Brewing, which is just about strong enough to make reading this book tolerable. Not by much, but if you have to subject yourself to something like this, best to bring some help. Some liquid help. So booze in hand, let’s get to it!

LIVER BEWARE! You're in for a Drunk Review of Goosebumps #16: ONE DAY AT HORRORLAND

Readers, can I share something with you? When I was a wee lad, I was very afraid of Ernest Scared Stupid. Like, I would leave the room during the climactic scene where...I think a troll is turning people into little statues and needs to be destroyed with...milk? Am I remembering this correctly? Anyway, a few years ago I went back and watched that movie again (there might have been drinking involved, yes) and...well, let’s just say that it didn’t exactly live up to my memories. Not that it wasn’t...interesting...in its own way. But that let’s be real it’s not what anyone should consider good. But why share this charming anecdote? Because ONE DAY AT HORRORLAND was one of my favorite Goosebumps books when I was little. Something about it just...well, I was a fan. But reading it through now is quite a different experience. Not that it’s terrible. It does a few things that aren’t the worst, but it’s a large step down from last month’s awesomeness.

Liver Beware! You’re in for a Drunk Review of Goosebumps #15: YOU CAN’T SCARE ME!

The title exclamation mark is back, the first time it’s shown up since Let’s Get Invisible! back in #6. I’m beginning to get a feeling that these Exclamation! books are all linked, if not in precise continuity, then in spirit and general construction. There have been three so far from the main series, Say Cheese and Die!, Let’s Get Invisible!, and now You Can’t Scare Me! In each of the books, there is an extended core cast (made up of four kids of mixed genders), and the stories tend to involve the kids stumbling across something weird and having to figure out a way to get distance from it. This was a stronger connection between Say Cheese and Die! and Let’s Get Invisible!, but there’s also an element of it in You Can’t Scare Me! as well. There’s also a blending of magic and science that gives them a more resonating feel to them. Hmm. I wonder if this stylistic consistency will hold up throughout the rest of the series, but for now I find it interesting that here we have another exclamation mark in a title and more similarities with some of the older books.

Oh! But hey, I should talk about what I’m drinking. It’s a Smoked Bock from Lazy Monk Brewing, based right here in Eau Claire, WI. It comes in a 16oz. can and it’s delicious! Definitely something that goes nicely with a book that’s all about mood and scares. So let’s GO!

LIVER BEWARE! You're in for a Drunk Review of Goosebumps #14: THE WEREWOLF OF FEVER SWAMP

[Merry Christmas! Today I'm releasing a new public Liver Beware! review, so I hope it finds you warm and well!]

It’s the last Liver Beware! of the year, so it’s time to send the year out with style! Which means, of course, with werewolves and incredibly bad science! Are you ready? Just let me introduce my drink of choice today—Hop Freak, a particularly appropriate Double IPA from MKE Brewing. It comes in a tall can and is delicious and the picture of the Hop Freak is this giant hop monster with the most unimpressed/grumpy expression it is perfect, just perfect. So yeah, with that out of the way, to the story!

LIVER BEWARE! You're in for a Drunk Review of Goosebumps #13: PIANO LESSONS CAN BE MURDER

Welcome back, dearest readers. I have good news! This book is LOADS BETTER than the previous two. I also have bad news! It’s probably because the main character is a boy. That said, we’re a bit more on track for what I remember Goosebumps to be—ridiculous plots, interesting visuals, and endings that just make no damn sense. Plus, this book dips back into one of my favorite parts of Say Cheese And Die! Namely, evil mad scientist magic! Because just some of that would be too boring. WE MUST HAVE IT ALL! Oh, before I forget—I’m once again drinking Voodoo Ranger from New Belgium (it’s been really cheap here for some reason). But before you start telling me that’s what I always drink, wait! This is the regular IPA Voodoo Ranger. Totally different from the Imperial IPA or Pumpkin Ale I’ve had previously. Because branding! But enough of beer. Let’s get to the Goosebumps!

LIVER BEWARE! You're in for a Drunk Review of Goosebumps #11: THE HAUNTED MASK

Happy Halloween! Things are a bit messed up this month because as I read this book back in early September I was struck that it’s a Halloween book, and as the holiday was only a month away, I thought saving this review for all you good people to ring in the season would be a good idea. So yeah, sorry that things are a bit weird, timing-wise, but I assure you that things are about to get SUPER SPOOKY, so there is that. Things are also about to get SUPER AWFUL because, let’s face it, the series is back into another slump following some rather ridiculous installments. I’m not sure where this book falls in the popularity of the series as a whole, but it’s still fairly early and it certainly feels to me like Stine is struggling to figure out exactly what to do, throwing darts at a big board of ideas while still kind of trying to keep things serious. Which might sound weird, considering, but stay with me.

Also, fittingly, my drink is a bit out of hand as well. I’m having New Belgium’s Voodoo Ranger Atomic Pumpkin and...okay, before I critique Goosebumps allow me to say that this Voodoo Ranger sub-brand is getting out of hand. Already there were three different Voodoo Rangers, and they represent New Belgium’s line of IPAs (what used to be Ranger, Rampant, and...whatever the third one was). Having one name and different colors for them now is just...kinda confusing, but at least they’re all IPAs. And then Atomic Pumpkin shows up. I will admit! The art is very well suited to a pumpkin beer (skeletons and all). BUT! It’s not even an IPA. It’s a pumpkin and habanero spiced ale. Which is delicious and burns a bit but is not really in keeping with the rest of the line. So it doesn’t make a lot of sense while still being rather Halloweeny—which ends up being very well suited for today’s adventure. So, without further beer-rants (I hope), let’s get to it!

LIVER BEWARE! You're in for a Drunk Review of Goosebumps #12: BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR

Do you hate children? Because if so, this is probably the Goosebumps book for you. Yes, yes, I know, the books are about children and most of them do involve putting said kids in deadly danger for the reader’s enjoyment and terror. This is, presumably, horror, after all. But this book takes things to a whole new level. It introduces a character only to torture her, to teach her that the world is a cruel, dark place, and every kindness and good deed will return back to her as sorrow and pain and hate like some sort of goddamn shit-boomerang. This is the lesson of this book, that there is no hope but the release of dark magic and that no matter how good your intentions you can’t escape the injustice of genetics, longing, and pre-teen girls. Also, I’m drinking a Luna Coffee Stout from Hinterland Brewing, a drink nearly as dark as this story, though much sweeter. ONWARDS!!!

LIVER BEWARE! You're in for a Drunk Reviews of Goosebumps #10: THE GHOST NEXT DOOR

Well, I continue to stand firmly in my belief that R.L. Stine just sort of...gave up trying to make these make sense. I mean, if you thought that The Girl Who Cried Monster was weird and kind of messed up—JUST WAIT! Though before I get to far I should say I’m drinking Banjo Cat today, which is a black IPA from a Madison brewery and pretty darn good. Given how fucking dark this book gets, I think this is a fitting drink. Anyway, let the horror commence!

LIVER BEWARE! You're in for a Drunk Review of Goosebumps #9: WELCOME TO CAMP NIGHTMARE

People, remember when I said that last book marked something of a turning point in the series, where Stine seems to have just given up trying to some degree? I’m happy to report that my suspicions have more or less been completely confirmed! This book is...well, it represents a further stepping away from the weird-infringing-on-our-world feeling of the early books, or even the horror-lurking-in-the-hidden-corners-of-the-world themes of the strangest of these books so far. And Welcome to Camp Nightmare certainly starts things out as if it’s going to play ball nicely, it proves to be something of a wolf in sheep’s clothing, to lay it on thick.

But first thing’s first. I’m drinking. Given then ending of this book, I’m drinking A LOT. I started with some regular Leinies a while ago and have now refined my palate with some IPA from Blue Oskars Brewing, which is pretty good. If I make it that far some Java Lava and bourbon is on the horizons after this, so forgive me if I descend into incomprehensibility. So now that you’ve been warned, onward to the book!

LIVER BEWARE! You're in for a Drunk Review of Goosebumps #8: THE GIRL WHO CRIED MONSTER

So we can all agree that Goosebumps is a pretty weird series, right? I mean, last time we saw a story that revolved around sibling jealousy and also ancient wizard-curses. But I feel that, by and large, the series has been pretty tame so far. Yes, there have been plant-men and vampire ghosts and evil mad scientist magicians, but... I think through all of this, the horror of the stories was still largely based so that the reader was uncertain if the magical or weird elements was truly happening. In essence, that the stories all operated on the hope that the readers would, like the characters, try and find ways to explain away the weird, and that they could not was where the horror sprang from. Why do I bother mentioning this now? Well, dear readers, SHIT IS ABOUT TO GO OFF THE RAILS!

LIVER BEWARE! You're in for a Drunk Review of Goosebumps #5: THE CURSE OF THE MUMMY'S TOMB

Oh glob, where to start with this one?

Well, I suppose I should begin with a quick look at what I’m drinking. If you don’t know about Founder’s Brewing, you should. Their Breakfast Stout is a Christmas morning tradition in our house, and I’m just sort of a fan of a lot of what they do. I’ve been waiting, though, to be really impressed with their IPAs, and with Azacca I think I have found one I am fully satisfied with. And hey, it's named after a Haitian god and tastes magical, which is much more than I can say about this book. So ONWARD!